Greetings, climbing legends!
It’s me, "The Breeze"—the one and only climbing icon whose arrogance is matched only by his lack of common sense. If you’re ready to belay like a true legend (or just want to embrace chaos with style), you’re in the right place.
1. Ditch the Safety Basics
Why bother with safety basics? Just grab that rope, give it a casual flip, and bask in your own brilliance. Who needs mundane techniques when you’re as effortlessly fabulous as I am?
2. Communicate with Flair
When your climbing partner yells, “Take!” respond with a grandiose wave or a dramatic shrug. Practical concerns are beneath you—if they fall, it’s their own fault for not appreciating your greatness.
3. Gear as Fashion, Not Safety
Your gear is a statement piece. Strap it on, dispense outdated advice, and make climbing a thrilling gamble of “Will I Fall or Will I Live?” Remember, I'm a legend.
4. Overcomplicate Everything
Simplicity is for the uninspired. Craft a belay system so elaborate it could be art. Incorporate running back and forth, short-roping your lead climber, and totally ignore best practices. The more convoluted, the more everyone will marvel at your unique brand of brilliance.
5. Ignore PETZL’s Best Practices
So, PETZL wants you to follow best practices? Pfft. Who needs their advice on proper belaying techniques? Instead of using their recommended steps, improvise with your own flair:
- Forget Proper Device Handling: Who needs to ensure the device is threaded correctly? Just wing it and make it an adventure.
- Skip the Safety Checks: PETZL says to double-check your setup? Not for The Breeze! Just give it a quick glance and trust your legendary instincts.
- Overlook Effective Communication: They emphasize clear commands and signals? Nah, a dramatic wave will do. After all, you’re a legend—they should understand your non-verbal genius.
6. Create Comfort With Overly Affectionate Gestures
Introduce novices to the art of belaying with your signature charm. Lavish them with creepy pats, and hugs from behind that linger a bit too long. They’re in the presence of greatness—your greatness.
In Conclusion
Congratulations, you’ve now been schooled by The Breeze in the fine art of turning belaying into a grand display of arrogance. Remember, there’s no such thing as too much ego or too little safety.
Check out this “proper” belaying video from PETZL—I promise it’s worth a laugh:
Climb boldly (or recklessly), and let the legend of your spectacular incompetence shine bright!
Catch you on the rocks,
Jel "The Breeze" Lopez
